


the cosmos twirl

by weatheredlaw



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 20:33:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14504931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weatheredlaw/pseuds/weatheredlaw
Summary: “Moon rock,” Kai whispers against his mouth, and he pulls back.“What?”“Moon rock.” Her hands come up and frame his face, touching the scars, brushing the line over his ear that will never heal right. “You’re like...like my moon rock.” She kisses him again. “I collected you.”or: Caboose moves to Hawaii to go to school, works through some issues, and winds up falling in love.





	the cosmos twirl

**Author's Note:**

> i expected this to come in at a cool 5k, but instead you get 13k of caboose feels

_ drowning in the sea of stars, lost in a galaxy of cocktail bars  
blinded by the neon lights, i lie awake and say your name into the night _

 

* * *

 

Caboose has been in college for a week and this is what he knows:

The dining hall is filled with people who are much younger than him, by and large much shorter than him, and several universes _removed_ from him. They speak a language he doesn’t understand, use words he doesn’t know, and look at him like he’s an alien. He wants to _insist_ that if they’d ever seen an alien, they would know — he is not an alien. But they wouldn’t get it. He also knows that the girls who sit behind him in his Astronomy class call him the “weird cute Marine.” It’s common knowledge, apparently, that he served. It’s sort of a small school.

He also knows that talking to his classmates is light years apart from talking to his friends. They ask him questions and he isn’t good at answering them. He tries to think too hard in the spaces between sentences, and in those moments, they walk away.

Caboose lives in Grif’s spare room, which comes right up to the beach. He likes to leave the window open and listen to waves lapping against the shore. He learned in class the other day that the moon and the tides are connected, so being close to the water makes him feel close to his family.

And that’s the last thing he knows: leaving the people you love is hard, harder still when they don’t understand. But sometimes you have to do what’s right for you, what’s _best_ for you, and you can’t think about what that means to someone else. His mom calls every day, to remind him to eat, to remind him to do his laundry, to remind him that he is loved.

 

* * *

 

It was his choice to leave the moon and come here for school. Grif had offered him the place more than once, over the phone and in emails, but he hadn’t wanted to say goodbye to home so soon. He’d missed his sisters, his mom, his room.

The novelty of _space_ though — that had worn off eons ago.

He could see the stars from his bedroom, and he shut his eyes to close them out, scrub their closeness from his consciousness. He didn’t want to be around space, around shuttles and shiny pre-fabs.

His mom had fought him every step of the way, from the moment he filled out the application, to the moment he had to choose if he wanted to live in a dorm.

“ _You’ll stay with me_ ,” Grif said over a video call. “ _With us_.” Simmons waved from the background. “ _Right on the beach, man, you’ll love it._ ”

“I don’t know...I don’t want to bother you—”

“ _I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t mean it_ ,” Grif said quickly. “ _Let me know when you’re coming. Room’ll be ready for you._ ”

And even though his mother had been angry, and his sisters had been sad — Caboose packed his things and he went to Hawaii.

He doesn’t regret it now — the weather is beautiful, the beach is right _there_ , and he gets a good job at a scuba rental place up the street from the house. He mostly scoops ice cream, sometimes gets to be on the register when it isn’t too busy. His boss, Hank, kind of reminds him of Wash, but he thinks that’s because he’s reaching for what’s familiar. He sees a shrink twice a week and she tells him that’s normal. His shrink is really nice, and she asks him about school and how he’s adjusting.

“It’s fine,” he says, because he can’t think of a way to say, _I feel like an alien even though I know I’m not. I feel like I’m standing on the outside of the bubble, trying to hear what everyone inside is saying. I feel like I’m sitting at the bottom of the deep end of the pool, looking up. Did you ever do that before, did you ever sit there and wait until you couldn’t stand it before you swam back to the top_ —

“I’m glad,” she always says. She doesn’t believe him, he knows that, but she doesn’t push either. He’s doing okay, he likes his classes, and he doesn’t miss Church and Tucker so much anymore.

Tucker calls sometimes. He talks about how no one tells him anything about Junior, how he’s thinking of coming out there to stay with them. He never does, but Caboose thinks it might be nice. He’s missed Tucker, just a little. Just enough.

“ _I’ll visit, at least. I bet we could get ahold of Wash and get him out there._ ”

“Grif talks to Donut sometimes,” Caboose says. “He wants to come, too.”

“ _Look at that. Bigass family reunion._ ” They talk for a little longer and Tucker finally has to go, but Caboose hangs on to his words, hangs on to _family._

 

* * *

 

At school he’s mostly alone, but a few times a week he and Grif’s sister find each other on the mall and sit on the grass to eat lunch. Kai had been going to school for a while, but she dropped out, got sent to Blood Gulch, hadn’t thought about what it would mean to come back. That’s what she tells him — they sit across from one another, knees touching while they share a nalgene of lemonade. Caboose likes that she just _talks_ to him. That she doesn’t inch her way around him in conversational circles like everyone else does.

“How’re your classes?” she asks. They’ve been in school for a few weeks now, and he knows she hates all of hers.

“They’re fine.”

She snorts. “You say that about everything.”

Caboose shrugs. They’re eating noodles today. He pokes around his bowl with his chopsticks. “That’s because everything is fine.”

“Is that what you tell Dr. Yang?”

“Yes.”

“You should try the truth.”

He sighs. “Do _you_ tell the truth?”

“I’m not seeing my shrink,” she says. “I’m _fine._ ”

Caboose frowns. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Yes,” she says. “Are you going to eat your eggroll?”

“No.”

“Great.” She takes it, eats it in a few bites. “Look, when I think I need someone, I’ll see someone. It’s not like it’s a big deal, or whatever. I’m not losing my shit on anyone. Oh, tell Grif I can’t come to dinner tonight. I’ve got a date.” She winks.

Caboose nods. “Okay.”

“That’s why I like you,” she says. “You just...do whatever.”

“It’s your life,” Caboose says simply. “Are they cute?”

“Very cute. Very _big_ , if you catch my drift.”

 _Bow chicka bow wow_ comes to him unbidden, and he snorts into his noodles.

He misses Tucker more than he realized.

 

* * *

 

He likes living with Grif and Simmons. They’re...comforting. Coming into the house is like crawling under a warm, heavy blanket after being out in the cold. They bicker over what to have for dinner, what to watch on TV, what hours they should work. They bicker about what they’ll do over the weekend or whether they should get a cat. Caboose likes it — it’s like a soft, white noise.

He can hear them have sex, sometimes, but not often. It doesn’t bother him — just reminds him that it’s been a very long time since he’s had sex and that he’s probably not really ready for it. That it should be with the right person.

It also reminds him that he’s…a little alone. Grif and Simmons have each other, and if Simmons weren’t there, Grif would at least have his sister. Caboose doesn’t have Kai the same way, doesn’t have _anyone_ the same way. His boss is nice and his coworkers are kind, but they don’t want to be his friend. He’s such a _stranger_ to them, to everyone.

He reasons the solitude is nice, but when he walks into the living room and Grif has Simmons’ head in his lap while he lazily cards his fingers through his hair — it just _reminds_ him.

So, he throws himself into his school work.

Caboose understands why other people might think he’s odd. He sits at the front of every class, even when he’s the only one. He takes notes on everything, copies it all down even when the powerpoint is online. He reads between classes, he reads _during_ class. He raises his hand and even though he’s wrong a lot, it doesn’t bother him.

The girls in his Astronomy class still think he’s weird, but they still say he’s cute. He’s okay with that.

One afternoon he’s waiting for Kai outside his math class, and a few of the guys at his table follow him out. He thinks their names are Kyle and Devin, but he isn’t sure. Names are hard, they aren’t his friends. They ask him about his service, and he does his best to answer. They ask about the armor and he tries to talk about it.

And then maybe-Kyle says, “So what did you do? Like what happened?” and Caboose...freezes up.

How do you _explain_ this? How do you talk about AI’s and alien babies and civil wars and _Wash_ and _Sarge_ and box canyons and the flag and —

He’s still standing there when they’ve finally walked away. A hand touches his arm and he flinches, but it’s just Kai.

“Hey, you.” She gives him a tug. “Come on. It’s okay.” Caboose lets her lead him outside and she sits him down on a bench. He isn’t sure how much time passes, but when he finally comes around, she nudges him with her shoulder. “Got you an eggroll.”

“...Thanks.”

“You zoned out pretty hard back there. You okay?”

“...No.”

She leans against him, passing him her can of diet coke. “Thank god it’s Friday, huh?”

Caboose takes a long drink. “Yeah.”

“Hey, what are you doing this weekend?”

“Nothing, probably. Homework.”

She takes back her drink. “You should come out with me and my friends. It’s better than sitting in the house all weekend and listening to Grif complain about the kind of _fabric softener_ Simmons bought.”

Caboose sighs. “That is annoying.”

“God, they’re so _domestic._ I wanna hurl.” Kai pulls away and looks him over. “We gotta get you something better to wear. Can you skip your last class?”

“...I think so.”

“Great.” She stands and pulls him to his feet. “We’ll get you something nice, find someone cute for you to push your face against.”

“Oh, I don’t...I don’t know—”

“ _Or_ we’ll take you out and you can have a beer and we’ll ditch everyone later and go to the beach.”

Caboose blinks. “You don’t have to do that.”

Kai shrugs. “They’re friends from before I left.”

Caboose nods. She doesn’t have to say much else. Some old friends of Grif’s came to the house the other night and it was so awkward even Simmons got up and left, coming back to Caboose’s room to help him with his math homework. The two of them actually had a nice time, and after everyone left they ordered pizza and sat in the living room watching old _Superman_ movies.

Kai tugs on his sleeve. “Come on,” she says. “Let’s go to Target.”

 

* * *

 

It’s been...a _long time_ since Caboose has gone to a bar. He’s standing in the corner, back pressed against the wall with a beer in his hand, watching Kai’s friends dance. She manages to push her way out of the group and find him. Her hair is sweaty and sticking to her forehead and temples. Some of it clings to her neck. She’s breathing like it’s leg day.

“Are you okay?” she shouts over the music.

“I’m fine!” He takes a hearty swig from the bottle to emphasize the point.

“You should come dance with us! It’s not so bad!”

“I’m really not a good dancer!”

She nods and drains the last of her drink. “Let’s go then!”

Caboose shakes his head. “I don’t want to make you leave your friends—”

“The beach!” she shouts. Caboose frantically finishes his beer, leaving the bottle on a table as they finally get outside. The air is hot and sticky. Grif told him August and September was when it got the hottest, but it’s nothing like the heat in Blood Gulch, or the heat in that desert where they found Tucker. Kai still has her hand in his, tugging him away from the bar and down a sandy path. Everything is by the ocean here, it’s still so strange to him.

She picks a patch of beach far enough away. Caboose peels out of the plaid overshirt she bought him earlier and sets it down for them to sit on.

“Such a gentleman,” she croons, and pulls him down next to her. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

“Do you miss it?”

Caboose nods. He knows what she means. “Yeah, sometimes.”

“Like, I was on my own for a long time, you know? And I was doing my thing or whatever. But it was fun. Fighting stuff, not so much. But the other things. Yeah.”

“The people we met,” Caboose says.

“The ones who didn’t want to kill us.”

He laughs. “Yeah. That’s true.” He lets her hook their arms together, bearing the weight of her against him. “I do miss it,” he says. “I miss Church and Tucker. I miss Wash and Donut and Doc.” He sniffs. “But...I always wanted to do... _this._ ”

“Sit on the beach with a sad, drunk girl?”

“No. Well...maybe.” Kai laughs. “But, no. No, I wanted to go to college. It’s what I was trying to do, but everything got all confused. It got messed up.”

“Do they have college on the moon?”

“Just one. It’s kinda small.”

She nods. “It’s so _cool_ you lived on the moon.” She points. “Your mom can see us maybe.”

“Maybe.”

Kai laughs and waves. “Hi, Mrs. Caboose!” she calls into the sky. Caboose glances around, but no one seems to notice. She shouts, “ _We’re taking good care of him!_ ”

And then she kisses his cheek.

Caboose feels his body go a little rigid. No one’s kissed him in so long, and it’s not like it’s a big deal. Just a little thing, on the cheek. And then she’s moving on.

“Take me to Grif’s?” she asks. “Or...it’s your place, too, I guess.” She sways in the spot. Caboose didn’t realize _how_ drunk she was. He bends down and picks up his shirt, shaking out the sand before getting an arm around her waist to steady her.

“Come on,” he says. “Let’s go.”

“S’very sweet,” she mumbles. “Grif’s gonna be pissed.”

“It’ll be okay.” Caboose goes to the road and uses her phone to get them a Uber back to the house. When they get to the door, she stumbles, and he picks her up in both arms. She’s not so heavy for him.

He also doesn’t want to dump her on the couch. It doesn’t feel right, so he takes her to his room and gently tucks her in.

As he’s closing the door, Kai calls out, “Caboose?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you didn’t stay on the moon. I’m glad—” She cuts herself off with a yawn. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Caboose smiles and switches off the light. “Me, too,” he says, before closing the door and going to lay down on the couch.

 

* * *

 

He wakes up and Simmons and Grif are bickering in the kitchen about Grif’s liberal use of coffee creamer. Sleeping on the couch was a mistake — he’s folded up into himself and his knees are screaming in pain. He stretches and rolls right onto the floor.

“Dude.” Grif comes in and helps him up. “What happened last night?”

“I brought your sister here, but she’s in my room.”

“Aw.” Simmons comes over and hands him a cup of coffee. “That’s sweet.”

“She doesn’t deserve it,” Grif says automatically, but Caboose sees the appreciation in his eyes. “You guys have fun?”

“Uh, yeah.” Caboose goes to the kitchen, putting some sugar and milk in his cup. Sitting seems like a chore, so he stands, leaning against the counter while Simmons makes breakfast. “It was okay.”

Grif laughs. “You met her friends, huh?”

Caboose nods, taking a sip. “They were nice.”

“It’s okay,” Grif says. “She doesn’t like them much either. Next time we’ll go out together, might be better. If we can get Dick here to go.” The two of them start arguing about whether it would be a good idea, where they’d go, what they’d even _do_ —

“Ugh, you two are _gross._ ” Kai comes in, wearing Caboose’s plaid button-up from the night before and a pair of his sweats. “I stole some of your clothes,” she explains.

“We _noticed_ ,” Grif says. “Bad night?”

“Just too many rum and cokes. Not my greatest moment.” She takes the coffee Caboose hands her and smiles at him. “ _This guy_ was a total trooper. Got me home and everything.”

“ _Wow._ It’s so weird to have friends you can rely on!” Grif says, putting a hand on his cheek. “I mean, it’s incredible!”

They both know it’s a joke, but since Caboose moved to the island, he hasn’t felt like he’s had _friends._ Simmons and Grif are friends, sure, but he lives with them and they don’t do much together.

Before, Kai was just...Grif’s sister. And she hung out with him and bought him lunch sometimes.

But now she’s...well she’s the girl in the kitchen wearing his clothes, but. She’s his friend. She walked with him to the beach and he helped her get home. And even though it was a stressful night, and he isn’t too keen to repeat that part of it — he’s excited to do all of that with her again.

She looks at him and smiles. “Yeah. It’s nice.”

 

* * *

 

In October, Caboose has to give a presentation in his composition class, and he honestly wants to die. Talking to people is fine, talking to people for the very first time is also fine.

Giving a presentation on a paper he already knows he’s going to fail — he’d rather go back to Blood Gulch.

That’s a lie, of course. Kai swats at him when he says it. “It’s not a big deal, you’ll do great.”

“I can drop out, can’t I? Right now?”

“No. You can’t.” She takes his notes from him. “There’s nothing wrong with what you wrote, I don’t know what you’re nervous about.”

“The talking,” he says. “You know. _In front of other people._ ”

She rolls her eyes and passes his notes back over with the rest of her chips. “You talk at the house all the time. What’s the big deal?”

Caboose shrugs and tips the bag into his mouth. “It’s easy to do that,” he says. “Soda.”

She hands it over. “What time is your presentation?”

“Two.”

“Okay. I don’t have class then, so why don’t I come to yours and you can just...pretend you’re giving it to me.”

Caboose glances at her. “You’d do that?”

Kai grins. “Of course! Come on, practice with me.”

Caboose nods and hands back her soda. “Uh, okay.” He sorts his notecards and starts to go through them. She gives him little tips as he goes, talking to him about eye contact, about his hands.

“Just keep your focus on me, okay?”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

“Alright. I’ve got a class, so I’ll see you at two.”

She leans down and kisses his cheek again, and Caboose doesn’t go as rigid this time. He sort of leans into it, smiling at the touch. Kai’s hand lingers on his arm for a minute before she gives it a squeeze and takes off for her next class.

When it’s time to do his presentation, she’s sitting right in the middle of the room.

 _Eyes on me_ , she mouths, and Caboose nods.

He doesn’t choke, he doesn’t trip.

He keeps his eyes on her, and everything is fine.

 

* * *

 

Caboose was never really a big fan of Halloween. Being the oldest he always took his siblings out, and after a while he stopped wearing a costume. Simmons was never really allowed to trick-or-treat, so he doesn’t care one way or the other. The two commiserate over this at breakfast because it turns out —

The Grifs _love_ Halloween.

Dex tries to reason with them. “Come _on_ , you get to dress up, you get candy—”

“You’re in your _thirties_ ,” Simmons says. “Any candy you get you have to buy.”

“Yeah, and the day after? It’s all on sale.”

Kai claps him on the shoulder. “Excellent point bro! Caboose, you and I are crashing a frat party.”

“Oh.” Caboose shakes his head. “No. No we’re not.”

“We totally are! It’ll be amazing, I’m telling you. We’ll show up, we’ll steal their beer, maybe some of their girls—”

“I really don’t want to.” He goes to put his cereal bowl in the sink. It’s Saturday, he has to get to the shop before it opens.

“Come _on_ , Caboose. We’ll only stay for an hour, then we’ll go do something at the beach!”

“I don’t have a costume.”

“I’ll get you one. Just _please, please, please_ come with me? _Please?_ ”

Caboose sighs. “...Okay.”

“Yes!” She pulls him down and kisses his cheek. “This is going to be _so great_ , we’re going to steal an _entire keg_.”

“That’s a terrible idea,” Simmons says. “Like, really terrible.”

“Okay, I’m going to the store, I’ll see you guys later!” She waves and heads out.

Caboose’s cheeks are warm, the place where she kissed him feels like it’s burning. He’s aware of Grif’s stare on the back of his neck as he puts his milk in the fridge and the box of cereal back in the cabinet.

“Gotta go to work,” he says.

Simmons opens the paper, not looking up as he waves goodbye. “See you, Caboose. Have a good day.”

 

* * *

 

Caboose really likes his job. The people he works with give him his space, they don’t pester him with questions, and it’s the best way he’s found to learn about his new home. He knows about the best beaches, the best places for snorkeling and diving, the nicest boat captains, the best manapua. October isn’t the busiest month for rentals, and pretty soon they’re going to shut down for the season and he’s going to need a new job. Grif’s offered to get him something at this mechanic shop where he works, but Caboose isn’t _actually_ good with vehicles, so he’s going to have to sort something out.

Around noon, Kai comes by and shows him the costume she found — “It’s a vampire outfit. Like, _basic bitch_ of costumes, but it’s for tall guys.” — and they go to the sandwich truck by the shop and eat lunch together.

“I’m sorry about pressuring you to go to the party. It’s...a dumb idea, honestly. I’ve got some friends doing something a little more age appropriate, if you’d rather do that.”

Relieved, he nods. “I would.”

“And if that sucks, we can just…”

“Go to the beach?”

Kai grins. “Yeah. We can just go to the beach.”

Caboose nods and pushes the rest of his chips toward her. “I gotta get back. Thank you, for the costume.”

“Any time, babe.” She winks as he gets up and heads back to the shop.

Inside, his boss Hank is setting a nice couple up with some snorkeling gear and sending them on their way. He smiles at Caboose. “Your girlfriend sure is pretty. Seems real nice, too.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Oh. Well, she seems to like you a whole lot either way.” He breezes past to go stop some kids from using boogie boards in the store.

The rest of the day passes in a blur. Caboose turns the words over in his head, thinks about the way Grif was watching him, the way she always kisses his cheek.

It’s not...an impossible thing to consider. That she likes him.

Is it?

 

* * *

 

He’s standing in the middle of the living room in someone’s house, watching Kai do shots in the kitchen. He asked her earlier if she wanted to stop, to maybe leave and go to the beach, but she ignored him, pushing him out of the way to get to the keg.

Caboose wants to go _home._ He wishes he knew how to say no to her.

Kai’s wearing scrubs she borrowed from a friend, spattered with fake blood. Spooky nurse, she’d called it. She comes over to him and taps the neck of his beer. “You’ve barely drank this.”

“I’m supposed to get you home safe.”

She snorts. “Why don’t you take a shot with us?”

“No,” he says. “I really don’t want to.”

“How come?”

“Because I don’t...like them.” He leans back. “I really want to go,” he says. “Can we go?”

Her hand trails from the bottle to his wrist, thumb stroking over the swell of bone. She nods. “Okay. Okay, we can go.” She takes the beer and sets it on the floor. Her hand slides into his and she pulls him away from the party, toward the door. When they’re outside, she steps away and takes in a deep breath.

Caboose reaches for her. “Do you want to go to the beach?”

Kai shakes her head. “No. I want to go home.”

“Okay.” He fishes the keys out of his pocket. Grif let him borrow his car, to make sure they got home safe. He helps her into the passenger’s side. As he’s walking to the other side of the car, he looks up at the moon, a beautiful waxing crescent. His mom hasn’t called for a week — the last time she did he was in the middle of class and he snapped at her later. He should call her, he should apologize —

“Caboose?” Kai rolls the window down. “Come on,” she says.

He nods and gets in the car. The engine turns over a few times, but they finally get on the road.

She turns to him. “Grif said you had to get a license when you moved here.”

“No cars on the moon,” he says.

“That’s kinda cool.” She reaches out toys with the collar of his costume. “Did you have some fun?”

“On the moon?”

Kai laughs. “No, goober. At the party.”

He sighs. “No. Not really.” He glances at her. “I don’t like parties. I never liked parties.”

“Yeah, I could kind of tell.” She sighs. “Sorry I keep...dragging you places. I just—” She leans the seat back. “You were there,” she says. “Like you know what happened.”

Caboose nods. “Yeah, I know.”

He pulls into the parking lot of her apartment, helps her get up the stairs. She lets him go diving in her purse for the keys and gets her inside.

“Caboose?” The door shuts behind them, and he feels her hand press firmly on his chest, pushing him back. She’s strong, but he knew that already. He always knew that. She’s small, too, but her muscles are firm when he puts his hands on her forearms, brings her flush with his chest. He stoops to kiss her, because she’s already kissing him first, her mouth hungry against his. She makes the softest noises and they don’t make sense, because she has _muscle_ , she has angles he brushes against, but he doesn’t mind the sharpness.

And then he remembers what he couldn’t tell his shrink — sitting at the bottom of the pool, staring up at the surface, watching light dance across rippling water. They had a beautiful pool on the moon, a beautiful park, a beautiful dome that was supposed to look like a regular sky. He never bought into it, as a kid.

“Moon rock,” she whispers against his mouth, and he pulls back.

“What?”

“Moon rock.” Her hands come up and frame his face, touching the scars, brushing the line over his ear that will never heal right. “You’re like...like my moon rock.” She kisses him again. “I collected you.”

Caboose holds her closer. It’s a strange impossibility, that he could even do this. It’s been so far away for so long and the _want_ is very present, it’s in his _arms._

 _She_ is in his arms, and she is very drunk.

Caboose pushes her back. “You should go to bed.”

“Only if you go with me.”

“Kai, no—”

“You don’t have to feel bad, I know what I want—”

Caboose shakes his head. “I can’t. I can’t do that.”

“I like you. I’ve liked you for a while, don’t you see that?”

She’s kissing him again and Caboose laughs against her mouth. “I’m not so bright,” he says. “Everyone says so.”

Kai shakes her head. “I don’t say so.”

“Well you don’t _know_ —”

“I know,” she says. She kisses his jaw, his cheeks, down his neck. Her lips linger on the scar there. “You don’t have to sleep with me,” she says. “I won’t make you, I won’t make you do anything. I just—” Kai rests her head on his chest. “Nevermind. Forget it.”

“N-no.” Caboose cups her face in his hands. Big hands, he thinks. He’s always had big, big hands. Got them from his old man. “I’ll stay with you,” he says. “I’ll stay here.”

Kai smiles, leading him through the apartment to her room. She gets the cheap, polyester vampire cape off his shoulders, tosses it to the side. He hikes the scrub shirt over her head, revealing a black sports bra, and scars on her chest. When she pulls his shirt up, she sees his, too.

They are as bare to one another as he can manage to be when they crawl into her bed. She tucks against him, and it surprises him — he’d have taken her for the big spoon, really.

“Hey, Caboose?”

“Yeah.”

She sniffs. “You’re a really good guy, you know that?”

He presses his face against the top of her head, taking a deep breath. “Yeah,” he says. “I know.”

 

* * *

 

The sun wakes him up. He thinks for a second he’s in his room, and he looks out the window for the beach, but it’s not there. Just another building.

Kai shifts in the bed next to him. “Bad sun,” she mutters.

“Want me to close the blinds?”

“Mmm, no. Just—” She rolls over, her chest flush with his. In the daylight he can see the mascara still clinging to her lashes, some of it flaked under her eyes, like ash. He kisses her brow, the bridge of her nose, her chin. Kai reaches out, cards her fingers through his hair. “Thank you for staying with me.”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” He moves to get out of bed, but she pulls him close, kissing him. And he can’t stop kissing her back, sucking on her tongue. She nips his bottom lip, pushing him to his back and straddling him. Caboose groans as she rolls her hips, his hands sliding over her thighs and settling on her waist.

When she peels off her sports bra, his breath catches.

“Like what you see?”

Caboose swallows. “Um, yes. Yeah, I uh—” She kisses him again, starts to make her way down his chest. When her fingers catch the hem of his boxers, he reaches down and grabs her hand. “You don’t—”

“I want to.”

He breathes. “I mean...I mean okay. I just—” She gets his boxers down, and his cock flags against his stomach. She licks her palm, takes him into her hand. He groans, bucking up and into her grip. She presses her tongue to the base of his cock, drags it to the tip before taking him into her mouth. It’s been so long, it’s been _years_ , he thinks he might come right then and there. And her mouth is sweet, it’s good. She hums around him, and Caboose reaches out, puts a hand in her hair without thought.

Kai pulls off and he stammers: “S-sorry, sorry, I just—”

“It’s okay,” she says. “I like it.”

“Um—”

“Caboose?” She squeezes the base of his cock and he groans. “I _like it._ ” She takes him into her mouth again, as far as she can, and he puts his hand in her hair, giving it a firm tug. She moans louder and the sound and the feel drives him crazy, pushes him closer. He urges her off his cock and says breathlessly, “N-not—”

“What?”

“Not like this.”

She grins. “Alright, I get it.” With a twist she rolls away and stands, going to the bedside table and rummaging around. “Here—” She tosses him a condom and it lands on his chest. Frantically, he tears it open, rolls it over his length. Kai sheds her underwear and straddles his waist again, gripping him in her hand as she teases her entrance. “You good?”

Caboose nods. “Yes, I’m good, just—”

The tip of his cock presses inside her, and for a moment, they’re both very still. She reaches between them, gripping him tight in her hand and guiding him before she slides all the way down, taking him to the base.

“Oh, _fuck_ —” She tips her head back, both hands now pressed flat on his chest. “Fuck, _fuck_ —”

“Not good?”

“No, it’s—” She lifts up, then takes him again and Caboose moans with her. “It’s good. You feel _good_.”

“You—” He gasps as she moves again, faster now. “You do, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s good.”

Kai laughs, breathless, and Caboose rolls his hips up to meet her, thrust for thrust. They fall into a steady rhythm, and the heavy slap of skin on skin is all he can hear, mixed with her words of encouragement, his quickening breath. He fucks up into her particularly hard and she cries out, losing her rhythm for a moment before it comes back to them both.

“Roll me over,” she demands, and he does, his cock sliding out of her. She wraps her legs around his waist and he presses into her again, slow and steady. “Hard, that’s what I want.”

“ _Ah_ —” Caboose tenses as she clenches around him, but he does what she says, drawing out before thrusting in, rough. He takes her left leg, puts it against his shoulder, gets a better angle. Kai pulls him in, kisses him, grips his hair in her hand.

“M-more—” She tips her head back and Caboose presses his lips to the column of her throat. His rhythm stutters, and he feels her hand slip between them to circle her clit. “Right there,” she manages. “Right _there_.”

He comes, pressing his face into the curve of her neck, groaning into the finish. He stays there, pressed inside her, until she comes. It’s with the softest whine, his name on her lips.

Caboose finally pulls out, rolling to his side. He gets up and goes to the bathroom, ditching the condom. His boxers are still around his ankles, so he kicks them away and crawls back into bed.

Kai rolls over, tucking her arm behind her head. Caboose pulls the blanket up over them, reaching out to stroke her cheek.

“You okay?” he asks, and she nods.

“Yeah. I’m okay.” She stretches and leans in to kiss him. “I am _more_ than okay. _You_ are very good in bed, private.”

“Captain,” Caboose says, without thought, and Kai laughs.

“ _Captain_ Caboose. Very official. Very cool.”

“Ah, yeah. Yeah that’s me. _Very_ cool.” He kisses her forehead. “I like you.”

“I like you, too, Caboose.”

“No, I...I really like you.” He leans in, his nose touching hers. “I know I’m not...I know I don’t—”

“Caboose?” Kai reaches out and cups his cheek. “I told you last night. I know how I feel. Nothing’s going to change that.”

He nods. “Okay.” Relief floods through him, relief that he is _good enough_. “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

When Caboose gets home later that day, Grif is sitting on the back porch and watching the tide come in. He glances up as Caboose steps outside, lifting his beer toward him. “Good night?”

“Um, yeah. Yeah.”

“You stay at my sister’s?”

“I did.” Caboose lowers himself into the chair next to him, taking a beer from the cooler between them.

Grif hands him the bottle opener. “She okay?”

“Oh, yeah. She’s fine.” He pops the cap from his beer. “We, uh. We had sex.”

Grif _spits_ , leaning forward and coughing. He looks at Caboose. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”

Caboose takes a long, _long_ drink of his beer. Grif kicks at his shin.

“Say that to me again,” he says.

Caboose sets the beer down. “We had sex. I like her.”

“You... _like_ my sister.”

“Yes.”

“Like you have a crush on my sister. You want to _date_ my sister.”

Caboose nods. “I do.”

Grif stares at him, then stands. He’s small, like Kai, but firm in the same way. He puts a hand on Caboose’s shoulder and it’s steady. “You’re a good guy, Caboose. And she’s...well she’s a fuckin’ pain in the ass. But I love her, and I think you’d...you’d be good for each other. So just...stay the way you are, okay?”

Caboose nods. “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

They don’t celebrate Thanksgiving on the moon. Well, they used to, when Caboose’s grandmother was still alive, but when she passed, they stopped.

Simmons wants to go all out. Tucker, Donut, Doc, Wash, even _Sarge_ are coming to the island to celebrate.

“Two turkeys?” Caboose asks. “That seems like a lot.”

“Sarge will eat half of one on his own. Also _you_ —” He points. “—could polish a bird off all on your own.”

Caboose shrugs. “This is true.” He reaches for the stuffing and pops some in his mouth. Simmons swats at him. “My mom always made a goose.”

Kai comes in and kisses his cheek. “A goose?”

“Yep.” He wraps his arms around her waist, grinning down at her. “A big, _big_ goose.”

Grif shoulders past them. “Can you two take your PDA somewhere else? It’s bad enough I had to listen to you having _sex_ last night—”

Kai shoves him. “Like I haven’t had to listen to _you_ a million times—”

“I said I was _cool_ with you two dating. I did not say I wanted to hear what is sounds like when _Caboose_ —”

Simmons slams a roasting pan on the counter. “ _Alright! Out of my kitchen!_ Caboose, you need to go get Tucker and Donut from the airport. Kai, you need to go to the store and get drinks. Grif, you need to get your _hand away from my stuffing_ —”

Kai covers her mouth, laughing as she pulls Caboose out of the kitchen. “We are about to see a full on Dick Simmons _meltdown_.”

“Mmm, no. I am going to the airport. You are getting beer.”

“We could go together?”

Caboose glances over his shoulder. “I think Simmons really needs a bottle of wine.” He leans down and kisses her. “I’ll see you soon.” He lets her go and grabs Grif’s keys out of the bowl on the counter, heading out to the car. It’s been a few weeks now since he’s talked to his mom, but Thanksgiving makes him think of her, makes him wonder what she’s doing. He shouldn’t have gotten angry, he shouldn’t have ignored her last few calls, but he’s been living in a bubble and it feels like he and Kai are in this place no one can touch.

It’s so hard to explain to her what he needs. That he isn’t the same person he used to be.

Seeing Tucker is a strange relief from all that. It shouldn’t be — the two of them have fought and bickered and insulted one another so much over the years, their friendship in the wake of everything shouldn’t make sense, but Caboose is happy to see him.

“Can Donut take a cab?” Tucker asks, as they get their things from baggage claim. “Because a _billion_ hour plane ride from LA with him was seriously _enough._ ”

Donut puts a hand on his chest. “I thought we were really sharing something special today.”

Tucker sighs. “I’ve had _about_ all the sharing I can handle for one day, D.” He puts a hand on Caboose’s shoulder. “How’s island life treating you man?”

“Oh, it’s great. I really like it here.” Caboose leads them toward the parking lot. “I learned to drive, and I’m going to learn to surf this summer. School is great, too.”

“Probably kinda weird, being older than everyone else.”

Caboose shrugs. “It’s not so bad.” And that’s the truth, it’s certainly gotten better. He’s still kind of weird to everyone, and the more he thinks about it, the more his alien status makes sense.

“I’m glad,” Tucker says, interrupting his thoughts. “Everyone else gets here tomorrow?”

“Yes.” They’ve cobbled together every air mattress they can find, and Simmons recently discovered that their sofa is actually a pull-out couch. Caboose is looking forward to seeing how they figure all of that out. “Wash gets in at noon, and Sarge gets in a two.”

“No Carolina?”

Caboose shakes his head. They haven’t been able to find Carolina, or figure out where she’d gone. Wash had tried for a long while, but come up empty-handed. Grif figured she’d show up when she wanted to. “She’s been through a lot,” he said, and didn’t bring it up again.

Tucker echoes him. “She’s been through some stuff. When she wants to see us, she’ll show up.” But Caboose doesn’t miss the twinge in his voice — he misses her, they all miss her. Just like they’ve all missed each other. You don’t do what they did, for as long as they did it, and just...move on.

When they get to the car, Caboose puts their bags in the trunk while Tucker and Donut squabble over shotgun. Tucker winds up in the back, pointing.

Donut says cheerfully, “I’m glad you like it here. I bet you miss the moon, though.”

“No,” he says. “Not really.”

“How’d your mom take all this?” Tucker asks, leaning forward.

“She’s fine,” he says. “Please buckle up.”

Donut does most of the talking during the drive back, which Caboose is grateful for. He’s glad to see them, but he doesn’t want to answer questions about his mom, and for some reason he’s suddenly nervous to tell either of them about Kaikaina. He won’t be able to avoid that, of course — she’s already back by the time they pull into the driveway, bickering with Grif on the back porch about what they should do for dinner, since Simmons has taken over the entire kitchen.

“— _have_ your own apartment. Go _there_ and eat whatever you want.”

“It’s a holiday, asshat. I want to be with my friends!”

“Then don’t bitch at me about burgers.” Grif closes the lid of the grill. “There is _nothing_ wrong with burgers.” He comes back in, his sour expression changing as soon as he sees them. “Hey! You made it!”

“Dude.” Tucker points out the slider doors. “You live _on the beach._ ”

“I know, it’s sick right?” He embraces each of them in turn and says, “Burgers tonight, unless Princess Kaikaina has a better idea.”

“I wanted to order pizza, but whatever.” She goes to Caboose and tugs him down to kiss her. “I missed you.”

Grif rolls his eyes. “He was gone for two hours, you’re both disgusting.”

Kai shoves him as he walks past. She grins up at Caboose. “ _You_ could take me out for pizza.”

He nods. “I could.”

“And we could ditch these losers and go to my place.”

“We could.”

Grif calls from the kitchen, “I thought you wanted to be with _friends_ ,” and Kai rolls her eyes.

“When I say _losers_ I mean just the one.” She glances over her shoulder, where Tucker and Donut are watching them both very intently, then looks back at Caboose. “You didn’t tell them about us.”

“Well. There wasn’t really a _moment_. Donut talked a lot.”

“I was _trying_ to fill the awkward silences!”

Tucker sighs. “Dude, not every silence is awkward.” He looks at Caboose. “You know, for some reason? I am not at all surprised by this.” He goes and claps Caboose on the shoulder. “Good for you guys, I hope you’re weird and happy together. Also, I really hope there’s beer,” he adds, before going into the kitchen to bother Simmons.

 

* * *

 

Caboose and Tucker go together to get Wash and Sarge the next day. The two of them bicker in the backseat, something about which football game to watch on Thanksgiving, Caboose doesn’t know. His dad was from Boulder before the moon so they watched the Broncos until he died. After that, sports kind of disappeared from the house.

Tucker turns and looks into the backseat. “Okay, _dads_ , we’ll figure out your football shit tomorrow. You know what you should be doing is asking Caboose about his _girlfriend._ ”

Wash kicks Caboose’s seat. “You have a girlfriend?”

Tucker grins. “He’s dating Grif’s _sister._ ”

Sarge grunts. “Nice work, son.”

“Uh, thank you.”

“You doing okay, Caboose?” Wash leans forward, putting a hand on his shoulder. “It was probably a big change, coming here.”

Caboose remembers a time when he would have _killed_ to have Wash ask him how he was doing. When he desperately craved that attention. Now, he bristles under his touch, rolling his shoulder just enough so Wash gets the message.

He pulls back, and the car grows silent.

The middle of the night in a house full of their friends it’s the best time to go down on someone, but Caboose is anxious and frustrated and tired of answering questions about the moon and how different everything is and how well he’s adjusting. He just wants to _do_ something, so he rolls Kai onto her back, mumbles the question in her ear — “Can I taste you? Is that okay?” — and grins when she nods frantically, shucking off her underwear and tossing them to the side.

Caboose puts his hands on her hips to hold them down, forcing her to thrust harder against his mouth as he presses his tongue against her, inside her. She brings her hand down to circle her clit and it’s such a _rush_ when she comes, her free hand gripping his hair, tugging hard. Caboose pulls away and kisses her, letting her lick the taste of herself off his lips.

He doesn’t get hard, he’s just not in the mood for that, but Kai doesn’t mind. She tucks his head under her chin and strokes his hair. She never has to ask if he’s okay, she knows and understands when he isn’t, when to pull back and stay quiet.

Caboose closes his eyes and lets himself be lulled to sleep by the sound of her breathing.

He’s glad to see everyone, glad to have everyone around him, just like it used to be — Doc gets in on Thanksgiving and Caboose and Kai go get him, along with some last minute things Simmons needs. They all sit outside and their days of shouting each other down from opposite sides of a canyon seem ages away as they pass plates of food around, as Tucker teases Caboose about getting all domestic, as Grif and Donut fight about music selection. Wash and Sarge finally agree on a game to watch, Simmons gets his turkeys cooked, and Caboose goes to bed a little drunk and more than a little satisfied.

But he wakes up at six with a headache, and his video phone is ringing. He knows who it is.

Kai rolls over and swats at him. “It is _early_. Answer that.”

“It’s just my mom.”

She sits up. “Then you _need_ to answer it. Stop ignoring her.”

“I will call her later.”

“No.” She gives him a firm shove and he rolls right out of bed, hitting the floor with a groan. “Get up and talk to her.”

“What was _that_ for?”

“She’s your mom! Talk to her!”

“I will talk to her later.”

“No, you won’t. You’ll lie to me again and say you tried and no one was there.”

Caboose opens his mouth to argue, but — it’s true. He’s done it a few times now. He didn’t realize she knew.

“Go,” she says. “That’s enough.”

He gets to his knees. “She doesn’t understand.”

Kai reaches out and takes his face in her hands. “Then you have to _help_ her understand.” She kisses his forehead. “Go on. Talk to her.”

Caboose sighs and nods, going to the computer and answering the call. His old kitchen fills the screen, his mom sitting at the little desk, looking anxious as she makes the call. Caboose can see the little video of himself in the corner, and he’s struck by how _tired_ he looks in the blue light from the screen.

“ _Michael?_ ”

And even though he’s frustrated, even though he’s anxious and tense and just wants to crawl into bed for the longest time — the sound of her saying his name is like an antidote for all that. He smiles, a goofy grin he always felt was saved for her.

“Hi, mom.” He leans close and taps the screen. “Happy Thanksgiving.”

She laughs. “ _Happy Thanksgiving, baby. You okay?_ ”

He’s spent the whole holiday avoiding that question, and even though he really _hates_ answering that — he likes the way it sounds, just smooth, the way she used to ask him when he’d come home from school, or when he’d wake up from a bad dream.

And he’s been saying the same thing every time someone asks, and no one’s really buying it anymore — but he runs his hands through his hair and smiles.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’m fine.”

 

* * *

 

It’s not a lie. He’s really...okay. The first semester ends and finals come and go. His mom wants him to come home for Christmas, but getting a shuttle there is hard, so they make plans for the summer. In the winter on the island it rains all the time, which could be a downer, but Caboose has spent so long in places where the sun doesn’t even set that he likes to sit in the living room with the sliding door open, listening to the storms.

He gets a new job bussing tables at a diner up the street, enjoying the repetitive work as the holidays finally go by. He’s feeling fine, so he starts skipping his meetings with his shrink a little more often — she’d wanted to put him on meds the month before, but he wasn’t so sure. He doesn’t tell Kai that he’s not going as often — she’s seeing someone herself and it’s been good for her. Grif and Simmons talk to someone, too, a lot of times together.

Caboose doesn’t want to admit that he’s kind of scared to dig any further. That the last time his shrink talked to him he had to tell her about Church and Epsilon and _missing him_ — and he doesn’t want to get into that.

When he’d told her he felt okay, that he’d never had any flashbacks, that he didn’t feel triggered by sounds or smells, she’d told him that was all good and fine, but that it could happen at any time, and they should be prepared.

And now he’s standing in his kitchen, and the woman doing the weather sounds a lot like Sheila, and when he closes his eyes he feels the cool air of Valhalla coming in from the beach. The slider is open, the rain is falling, and the water running over his hands in the sink is scalding.

Simmons comes in and starts talking, but Caboose can’t hear him, at least not what he’s saying right then. He’s hearing Simmons six, seven years ago, yelling at him over the crest of the hill, trying to figure out what Caboose has been up to.

“Caboose?” A hand on his shoulder. “Caboose. You okay?” The water shuts off. “Hey, Caboose—”

_Stop wandering around during your defeat, it’s confusing!_

Caboose swallows. “Oh. Okay. Sorry.”

_And what are you working on?_

He leans against Simmons. “Still not telling you.”

“Caboose?” Simmons turns him around, puts a hand on the back of his neck. “What are you saying to me?”

Caboose frowns. “I don’t...I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“It's okay. Here—” Simmons helps him move to a chair. “Let me get you some water. You want me to call Kai?”

“No!” Caboose is shot back to reality, and he stands, the sudden movement making him dizzy. “Don't do that. I don’t need—” He braces himself with a hand on the table. “I’m fine.”

Simmons makes a noise, brings him a glass of water. “You weren’t ready to stop therapy.”

“I haven’t—”

“You have. I know. It’s fine, Grif did the same thing. Got all tough and macho on me about it. I’m not going to make you go, I’m not going to make you _do_ anything you don’t want to, but I care about you, and you’re my family, so I’m just going to say that I think it’s too soon.”

Caboose is sitting again, hunched over, glass of water clutched in his hand between his knees. He looks up at Simmons. “...Family?”

Simmons nods. “Yep. Family.” He glances at his watch. “I’ve gotta go to work. You’ll be okay?” Caboose nods. Simmons gives him a gentle pat on the back before heading out.

Caboose takes his water and goes to stand by the open sliding door. When he closes his eyes, he can feel the cool wind sweeping across Valhalla. He spent so much time alone then, talking to himself, talking to Epsilon, trying to remember stories. It was hard, but...it was different, and he’d had purpose.

Does he have purpose, now?

Sometimes Grif asks Simmons, _why are we here_ , like it’s a joke between them. Caboose asked Church, once. A long time ago. Not about anything serious, or anything important, but he’d listened to him talk. He’s okay without Church, he’s moving on, but he sometimes wishes he had his voice, or at least — someone who was there. Grif and Simmons were, sure. Kai was, too. But someone who —

Without thinking, he goes to his room and digs his phone out of his backpack. Missed texts from Kai, from a few of his sisters, even some from Donut. He goes back into the living room and calls Tucker.

“ _Caboose?_ ” Tucker answers after a few rings. “ _You okay?_ ”

“I...yeah. Yeah, I’m—” He steps onto the patio, into the rain. “No,” he says. “I’m...not.”

“ _Okay._ ” He hears some things getting shuffled around, Tucker telling someone he just needs to step out for a second. “ _Okay_ ,” he says again. “ _Talk to me._ ”

Caboose runs a hand through wet hair. “Do you...do you remember...there was that time me and you tried to fix Sheila by ourselves, and we—”

“ _We knocked out power to the base._ ” Tucker laughs. “ _Church was pissed, we went dark for like three days, until you accidentally knocked something back into place. Yeah, I remember that._ ”

Caboose turns on the spot, frantically trying to remember something else. “And that time we painted the ceiling.”

“ _With stars. You used to know so many constellations._ ”

“Moon school,” Caboose says weakly.

“... _Caboose, what’s wrong?_ ”

“Nothing. Everything. Aliens. We’re aliens, Tucker. You think about that sometimes, don’t you? I’m not even _from_ Earth. I...I wasn’t born here. I lived under a _dome_ , I never learned to drive, I’ve never had Cheetos before—” His chest starts getting tight, heart beating faster.

“ _Caboose, relax. It’s okay._ ”

“It’s not okay. I can’t _do this_. My mom was trying to keep me safe and I’m just...I’m just pretending.”

“ _Dude, you’re not._ ”

“I’m not a _person_ , I’m a...I’m—”

“ _A freak,_ ” Tucker says quietly.

Caboose finally _breathes._ “Yeah,” he says. “A freak.”

Tucker is quiet for a while. It’s nice to hear him breathe, and it helps Caboose breathe better, too. Eventually, Tucker says very softly, “ _I know how it feels, Caboose. But you’re not. You’re just...not like everyone else. And you never will be. I mean...is that what you want?_ ”

“Sometimes. Maybe.”

Tucker laughs. “ _Yeah. It’d be nice, wouldn’t it? But we...there’s stuff we did no one else will ever get to do. Just because we got stuck playing war in a canyon. We’re not like other people, even other soldiers. And I know it seems like we’re not human sometimes, I know you feel alien and weird, but—_ ” Tucker takes a deep breath, exhales. “ _You’re here now. And you are who you are. Without all that stuff, you wouldn’t be on the island, you wouldn’t be with Kai, and you wouldn’t be...you._ ”

“Maybe I want to be someone else.”

“ _Maybe. Sometimes I want that, too. But we are who we are now, buddy. You have to do what you can to make being that person worth it. Okay?_ ”

Caboose nods. “Yeah,” he says. “Okay. I can...I can do that.”

“ _Alright. Hey, I’m glad you called. You should do it more often. It was nice to hear your voice. And we can talk about Church whenever you want to, okay? But just...remember that he’s gone. That it’s okay, just like you said._ ”

“I did say that, didn’t I?”

“ _Yeah, man. That was pretty deep._ ”

“...Hey chicka bum bum.”

Tucker laughs again. “ _Bye, Caboose._ ”

“Bye, Tucker.”

He hangs up, but he stays outside for a bit longer. It's a steady drizzle, nothing too heavy. It's cold, and he should go inside, but it feels good.

The door to the house opens, and he hears Kai calling for him. Caboose turns and she’s standing in the living room, staring until she swears and goes to the patio to yank him inside.

“What the _hell_ are you doing?”

“I was just—”

“It's _January_ , Caboose. You're going to catch _pneumonia_ , or _whatever!_ ” She goes and gets him a towel, wrapping it around his shoulders. “Jesus. Why were you out there?”

“I was talking to Tucker.”

“And you had to do that outside?”

“...No. I just wanted to be there.”

Kai shakes her head, going into the kitchen to start making coffee. “I can't believe you. I've had the longest fucking day and I come here to have, like, some _normalcy_ , and you're standing outside in the _fucking_ rain.”

Caboose watches her spoon coffee grounds and turn the switch. She grips the edge of the counter and takes deep breaths.

“Caboose—”

“I had a flashback,” he says. “I was in the kitchen and then I was in Valhalla. I could feel it. I could _hear_ it.”

Kai furrows her brow. “What do you mean?”

“I was washing my hands and then...then I was outside my old base.” Kai comes over to him, reaching up to cup his cheek. “I was alone there, for a long time.”

“Fuck,” she mutters. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't be. I'm okay now. I just...I needed to talk to Tucker and I needed to be outside.”

She nods. “Okay. Okay, I get it. But you can't stand out in the _rain_ , Caboose. Alright?”

He frowns. “I didn't do it because I'm _stupid_.”

“I don't think that,” she snaps. “And you know it.”

“Do I, though? I mean, everyone else thinks so. Everyone's always thought so—”

She throws her hands up. “I'm not doing this with you. You know I don't think you're stupid.”

“Well it would make sense if you _did_ —”

She pulls down a coffee cup from the cabinet. “Hey, I _love_ you, okay? I don't think you're stupid and it fucking _hurts_ that you're making me say this.”

Caboose blinks. “What?”

“I said it _hurts_ —”

“No.” He drops the towel from his shoulders and goes to her, turning her to face him. “Before that.”

Kai goes rigid in his grip. “...Nothing. I didn't—”

“You said you loved me.”

She opens her mouth, probably to snark at him because that's what she's best at, but Caboose leans down and kisses her instead.

When he pulls back, she melts in his hands. “Yeah,” she says. “I love you.”

Caboose smiles. “You love me.”

“Ugh, stop it. You're making it weird.”

“No,” he says. “You said you love me. You _like_ putting up with me. You _like_ all my weird stuff.”

She squirms out of his grasp. “ _Fine_ , whatever. I'm in love with you. Big deal.”

Caboose watches her get down another mug, pour two cups of coffee. He leans against the counter. “I love you, too,” he says.

She grips the coffee pot in her hand. “...Okay.”

“I do. I love you.” Caboose comes behind her, putting his hands on her hips, pulling her flush with his chest. He presses his nose to the top of her head. “Kai—”

She turns, grabbing his wet shirt and pulling him down to her, kissing him. It's frantic, desperate, and her mouth is hot on his cold lips. Caboose gets his hands under her thighs and lifts her up. She wraps her legs around his waist, her arms around his neck as he holds her.

“You mean it,” she says, pulling back. “Don't _fuck_ with me, Caboose.”

“Yeah,” he says. “I mean it.”

Kai laughs. “Okay,” she says. “ _Okay._ ” She kisses him again. “Let's go warm you up, huh?”

“You don't want coffee?”

“ _No_ , Caboose. I don't want coffee anymore.”

He grins and starts carrying her back to his room. “Alright then.”

 

* * *

 

It's really different, having sex with someone who loves you. Who you're in love with. School starts again in the middle of January, but Caboose is kind of distracted.

He's never really _been_ in love before.

It's not just the sex that's different. Kissing is different. Holding hands is different. Meeting her after class is different. Eating lunch inside because of the rain is different. Caboose loves her, and every time he looks at her, he can see she loves him, too. She doesn't have to say it a lot — and it's okay that she doesn't. After that first time, neither of them really say it that much, but it's easy to see. He doesn't have to force that.

Which is good, because it feels like he's forcing a lot of things lately.

He's having more flashbacks and he has to force them down. He's having more dreams, and he has to force them _out_. Everything frustrates him, and he has to force himself to focus.

And the sex is good when it's with someone you love, but it's better when you're not worried that you're going to freak out in the middle of it.

Caboose is really worried about freaking out in the middle of it.

Kai is staying over one night and he's been trying to get into it, but his thoughts are all over the place. He goes down on her, but after a few minutes she squirms away.

“Babe, if you're not into it—”

Caboose feels panic set it. “I am, it's fine.”

She laughs, sitting up and taking his face in her hands brushing her thumb over his slick lips. “It's okay. Really. You've got a lot on your mind, I know that. Let's get some sleep, maybe you'll feel better in the morning.”

Caboose nods and crawls up to his pillow, wrapping an arm around her waist.

Kai turns her head toward him. “...Simmons said you kinda freaked out in the grocery store yesterday.”

Caboose swallows. “It wasn’t a big deal.”

“He said you had a panic attack in the frozen food section.” Caboose shrugs. “Maybe you should talk to Dr. Yang about this stuff. I've been talking to my counselor and he's really cool. Dr. Yang seems to like you.”

“Yeah, she does.” He pulls her closer. Closes his eyes. “Actually. Actually I haven't been talking to Dr. Yang.”

“Did you get someone else?”

“...No. I, um. I stopped going.”

Kai rolls over and pushes herself up on her hand. “ _What?_ ”

“Well I was feeling better so I...I decided I would take a break.”

“Why?”

“Because I feel—”

“Do _not_ say fine. Do not say that fucking word around me right now. You are not _fine_. Why didn't you tell me? You said you'd been _going_.”

“I didn't want you to worry—”

“ _Didn't want me to_ —” She groans in frustration and crawls over him to get out of bed. “I cannot believe you.”

“Kai—”

“I come here and you're standing in the _rain_ , you're freaking out in front of the frozen _peas_ , you're having flashbacks while we're trying to have _sex_ , and you don't want me to be _worried?_ ”

“I—”

She pulls on her jeans and grabs a sweater, but it's his. “ _Ugh_ , this doesn't even _fit_ —” She throws it at him. “I'm going home.”

“...Okay.”

“I can't believe you lied to me. You told me for weeks last year I should talk to someone, and then I do—” She finally gets her shirt over her head as Caboose tugs on his sweatpants. “I'm so _mad_ at you.” Kai yanks open the bedroom door and Caboose follows her into the sitting room.

Grif is standing in the kitchen, home late from work, eating a bowl of cereal.

“...Hey guys.”

Kai grabs her shoes. “I'm going home. Do not call me.”

“I'm feeling _better._ You made me feel that way—”

She whirls around and puts a finger in his chest. “Don't put that on me. You don't feel better, and it isn't my job to fix that.” She takes a step back. “I love you. Of course I want to take care of you and if being together makes you feel better then I'm _happy_ about that. But I don't expect you to fix everything that's wrong with me, and you can't...you can't put that on me, Caboose. You can't.”

She pulls on her jacket. “I'm going home. I have work tomorrow. Don't call me. I...I need to think.” And then she opens the door and she's gone.

Caboose stands in front of the door for a minute before Grif taps his shoulder.

“Here.” He hands him a sweater from the laundry basket in the living room. “Let's order a pizza, huh? Simmons should be home soon, we’ll play video games.”

Caboose nods. “...Okay.” He tugs on the sweater and goes to sit on the couch.

When Grif is finished ordering he comes over flops down next to Caboose. “She’ll be okay. She won't stay mad forever.”

“She could. I lied and I shouldn't have.”

Grif shrugs. “You shouldn't have, but you were just trying to protect yourself. That's why we lie to people we love, you know? We don't want to get hurt.” He glances at Caboose. “You're the first person my sister has been with where it really seems like there's a future. And if you _want_ that, then you need to be honest.”

“Future’s scary,” Caboose mutters, leaning back against the couch. He pulls the neck of his sweater over his nose and mouth. “Maybe I don't want one. With anybody.”

Grif nudges him, _hard_ , with his elbow. “Don't talk like that. I like you, alright? You're my friend and you're...you're kind of—”

Caboose glances over. “Family.”

“ _Ugh_ , okay I'm done with feelings hour. You want a soda?”

“Yes, please.”

Simmons gets home right after the pizza, and they spend the night eating and playing video games. Caboose grew up with a lot of sisters, so he never really knew what having brothers was like. He thinks knowing Tucker and Church and Wash was kind of like that, but it was colored by war and conspiracy. There was never any peace in those brotherhoods.

Sitting here, watching Grif be a sore loser, watching Simmons _relax_ — Caboose thinks this might be the closest he's gotten in a long, long time.

 

* * *

 

Grif tells him that Kai gets off her shift at the restaurant at nine that night. “You should go there.”

“She said—”

“You love her, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, then go tell her that. I know my sister, okay? She's got it bad for you. Make a grand gesture. She likes daisies,” he adds.

“Oh. Okay.” Caboose watches Grif finish his breakfast.

“I'll see you later, yeah?”

Caboose nods. “Yeah.”

He has to go to work himself, and it's a good distraction. When he finishes his shift he walks to the grocery store and picks up a bouquet of daisies. This could go poorly, he knows, but he wants to make this right.

His parents were in love, he remembers that. They were _deeply_ in love and Caboose was never really sure if he'd get to feel the same thing. He still doesn't know, but what he understands is he needs to make this better.

What he said to Grif is true. The future is scary, it _terrifies_ him.

But Grif is right.

He loves her.

So he has to tell the truth. And he has to take care of himself.

Kai comes out of the restaurant, digging through her bag for her keys. Caboose is standing ramrod straight next to her car, clutching the flowers, trying to decide if he has enough time to hide before —

She looks up.

Her expression is tired, hardened, but it grows soft when she sees him, then the flower.

“Grif’s such a punk ass bitch,” she mutters, going to him and taking the bouquet in her hands. “I should disown him.”

“I can go,” Caboose says, but she shakes her head.

“No, I was going to come by the house, honestly.” She presses the flowers to her nose and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” she says. “If I made you feel like you can’t be honest about this stuff, then you have to tell me what to do—”

“It wasn’t you. That was...that was all me. I lied. I stopped going. I wanted to believe that I could just...be okay. People used to be _enough_. And it’s not like you aren’t, please don’t—”

Kai steps onto the toes of his boots and pulls him down to meet her. Between kisses, she says, “We all need help, Caboose.”

“It used to be different,” he murmurs, hands settling on her back, holding her close. “ _I used to be different._ ”

“Your _life_ is different.” She pulls back. “That’s all. You’re still you. You just need the extra push now, and that’s okay.” Kai grins. “I’m _more_ than happy to help.” Caboose laughs and kisses her neck. “You know that’s innuendo, right? I’m asking you to take me home so I can top the shit out of you.”

“I picked up on that,” Caboose says. “I’m getting better.”

Kai grins and steps off his boots, tossing him her keys. “Sure are, big guy.”

Caboose takes her home. They spend a lot of time at his place, because Grif and Simmons work weird these days and he winds up being alone a lot, and she likes to be able to go out and sit on the beach after. But he savors the nights when she lets him into her space — a little cluttered, but bright, with sky blue walls and photographs everywhere. Pictures of her mom, of her and Grif as kids. He spots one of him, taken with a disposable camera they bought at Goodwill a few weeks ago. He didn’t know she’d developed them.

“You go to my room,” she says. “I’m gonna get these in a vase.” She smacks his ass as he walks past and Caboose just shakes his head.

He feels tired, but finally okay. Boots off, he stretches out on her bed in the dark, breathing deeply, listening to her work in the kitchen. It’s the softest moment he’s had in a long time, and it’s the fullest his heart has felt in days. It’s better than standing in the rain, but he thinks she’d be the one he’d like to do that with.

The door clicks shut and Kai turns on the little lamp that sits on her dresser, bathing the room in a gentle light. Caboose sits up and watches her peel off her work clothes. There’s something stuck in his throat, something he should say, but he can’t really draw it out.

He’s told her he’s sorry. She knows he loves her.

She crosses the room and Caboose sits up on the edge of the bed, letting her settle between his knees. She kisses him, and that pulls it out, yanks the words free of their catch —

“I want to take you to the moon.”

Kai stops kissing him, and Caboose closes his eyes. Instant regret. Shouldn’t have said that. Shouldn’t have —

“The moon,” she says.

“Well. Yeah.”

She laughs. “You know, you’re the only person I’ve ever dated who could follow through on that.”

And now Caboose laughs, too. “Well, I can actually take you there,” he says.

“And back?”

He grins. “Yeah. To the moon and back.”

“God that’s hot.” She reaches down and yanks his shirt off, tossing it over her shoulder. “All the way to the _fucking_ moon.”

Caboose helps her gets his jeans and boxers off and his cock flags against his stomach. He backs up toward the head of the bed, twisting the clasp of her bra and pulling it off. “Yeah,” he says. “We could even go twice. You can see the island from certain parts of it.”

“You can see the whole fucking _world_ ,” she mutters, kissing him hungrily. She bites at his bottom lip and pulls it between her teeth. “I love you.”

Caboose nods. He hooks his thumb in the band of her underwear and tugs them down. She pulls back and gets them off, kicking them away before she crawls back into his lap.

“I love you,” she says again. “I’ll go anywhere with you.”

Caboose leans back against the headboard. “And I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.” He settles one of his hands between her legs, brushing against the tangle of hair as he slides two fingers along her slit. Kai makes a soft noise of approval, so he keeps going, circling her clit as he kisses her neck. He presses his middle finger inside her, stroking carefully before he adds another. Kai moans as he picks up his pace, turning her head to kiss him again.

She moves her mouth to his ear and murmurs, “Are you going to make me come?”

“Now? Like this?”

“Yeah.”

“I can.” He fucks her with his fingers a little harder, bringing his other hand to her clit. Kai braces herself with her hands on his shoulders, moving in time with his thrusts. She moans as he picks up the pace on her clit, the swollen flesh rolling easily under his thumb.

“I can’t—” She bites her lip and lets her head fall back as she takes him. “I can’t _believe_ I’ve been to entire other _planets_ and I am getting off on you telling me you’re gonna take me to the fucking moon.”

“It’s kinda sexy.”

“Fuck _yes_ it is. Oh, _god_ —” She pushes down on his fingers as he thrusts up and Caboose listens for the wet noise of his skin pressing against her cunt. He loves her every way, but this one is special. This one is just for him.

He works at her, _really_ works at her and he knows he’s doing a good job because her rhythm stutters and her breath catches and she digs a hand into his hair and drags her mouth across his cheek and moans into his ear, “ _Close_ —” just before she comes. Her cunt clenches around his fingers and Caboose strokes her through it, enjoying the feel of her pressing around him.

Kai takes a few minutes to unwind. She kisses him, swiping her tongue along his. Caboose sucks on it before he takes his wet fingers and presses them against her lips.

“That’s you,” he says.

“Yep. You got me. Got me real good.”

Caboose laughs and licks his fingers clean. He watches her reach for the bedside table and fumble with the box of condoms before tearing open the package.

“You just lean back,” she says. She rolls the condom down his length. “ _God_ this is going to feel good.” Caboose thinks about saying something funny like, _Ditto_ , or, _That’s me talking to you_ , but she wraps her hand around him, teases her entrance for just a _second_ , and then _takes him_ — and that’s pretty much it.

Her pace is steady at first. Caboose looks between them, watching the slide of his cock in and out of her, the flexing of her thighs as she leverages herself up and down. Caboose tries to meet her, but he doesn’t have the same force and he’s distracted from _watching_. Her hair is falling out of its tie, framing her face with dark curls. He gets a hand in it, grips it gently in his fingers, and presses his mouth to her own.

“I love _you_ ,” he says. Kai nods, fucking him a little faster. Everything is kind of frantic now, and Caboose feels it as much as she’s projecting it. There’s a line of desperation here, like maybe it’s going to go away, maybe it’s going to fall apart.

He takes her face in his hands. “I’m not going anywhere,” he says.

“ _P-promise_.”

“I promise.”

She smiles. “Okay. _Okay_.” And then she fucks him in earnest, making low, _lewd_ noises in his ear. “You feel so good,” she says. “So good inside me. Are you gonna come for me? Huh?” Caboose nods. Now _he_ feels desperate, and she laughs into the space between them, sitting up so he can see her chest, the sheen of sweat and the way every breath seems to matter. Kai arches her back, pushing herself up and down, up and down, _up and down_ until —

Caboose wraps an arm around her, pulls her close, and comes with a groan. He doesn’t realize he’s digging his teeth into her shoulder until he pulls back and sees a line of little indentations in the skin.

“Sorry—”

“God, you _bit_ me. It was that good?”

“Yeah,” he manages. “It was good. _You_ were good.”

She practically _purrs_ in his arms.

They manage to go another round a little while later, but Caboose is getting tired, and it’s late. Kai reaches out as he’s falling asleep.

“You promised,” she says. “You’re not...you’re not going anywhere.”

Caboose shakes his head. “Nowhere.” And he knows enough about her and the tone in her voice to understand this isn’t about breaking up and it isn’t about moving away.

He’d told Grif he didn’t know about the future. He wonders if she’s picked up on that, somewhere.

“I like being alive,” he says, instead of beating around the bush about it. “So I’m going to keep being alive.”

She breathes like someone’s letting the air out of her chest with their fingers. Long and slow, eyes fluttering closed.

“Alright,” she says. “That’s...that’s good.”

“I’ll go back,” he says. “To Dr. Yang.”

“Would you?” Caboose nods. “Thank you. I just...I’d feel better about everything. About us.”

“Me, too.”

She slides her hand up his chest and behind his neck. “Did you mean what you said tonight? Do you...really want to take me to the moon?”

“I do.”

Kai grins. She turns her head to rest it in the crook of his arm and closes her eyes. “Can’t believe my boyfriend’s from the moon and he’s going to _take_ me there.”

He kisses the top of her head. “Moon rock,” he says, as he’s drifting off.

Kai laughs. “Yeah. My moon rock.”

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr @ weatheredlaw  
> lyrics and title from "lost in time and space" by lord huron


End file.
